'i have cancer.' 

the words tossed out so plainly. so practised sounding. the thoughts
rebounding in my mind knew it was simply answered. yet i heard a
question. then i heard an introduction. and at the end i swear i
heard a conclusion.

air liquified.

so i held my breath. my heart now shaded with thoughts of death. and
i sadly realized that he was asking nothing of me, telling nothing to me,
completing nothing for me. he's just saying.

fingers clenched.

there were things to say. and i wanted more time for another
chance at this day. he held his sheets near his face. mapping out
the worst hand he's ever been dealt.

finding pause.

i gripped the bed. dark thoughts were in my head. like skipping stones
on a beach. there were several still in my hand. their cool flatness
begged my expectations to meet his reality. stones don't float.

standing still.

i held his gaze a moment longer. then moved to touch his
shoulder. i leaned forward and crouched down at his knee. i needed to
look up at him. look up to him and he look down to me. 

moments passed.

he held his head and rubbed his eyes. and I realized that "how ya doin'?"
wasn't so wise. well intended maybe but missing the point. i was
fighting to focus and focus was fighting back. 

reality check.

this was not a visit. not the moment i imagined was it? because
everything about this felt like a warning to expectation and
obligation. everything from now will be 11:08 AM.

and again.

'i have cancer.' he says once more. I sense someone is standing behind
me at the door. his acceptance speech now delivered. he shivered.
and folded himself into my moms arms.

One thought on “admission

  1. My God this is powerful writing. It sends shivers down my back. The pacing, the attempts to find a metaphor to explain, the observation in the midst of stream of consciousness. Wow.


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